How to talk with a man like Edward Cullen
by Lia Mcleaff
Summary: What I and most people think that Bella had to do if she had a ... ern... brain ...


First of all, I'll like to thank to one of my best friends who prefers not to publish her name, so I've call her "Doctor House on woman's body" (believe me, the nick name sounds perfect! Most of the beautiful answers in this text are from her).

In second, I wanna thank to Stephanye Meyer, by RUIN of the vampire legends. Thank you for destroy my favourite world! You've inspired me to write wonderful things like that:

**HOW TO TALK WITH A MAN LIKE EDWARD CULLEN**

**IN 10 STEPS**

**By Nath-senpai and my friend "Dr. House on woman's body"_- laughs _****_- _  
**

**Step 1:**

_When he sits beside you in the living room and turns his back to you, looking at you like you smell like crap_

Wrong way: to smell your own hair trying to understand why the pretty guy thinks you stink

Right way: *you pick his shoulder and ask* Have you...? Because I'm smelling it too...

_Then you ask to me: But... __Why?_

_And I ask to you: __**Who the hell chooses your fucking perfume?**_

**Step 2:**

_When he is looking at you from his desk... All the time... _

Wrong way: Having a sudden crisis of appalling sickness just because the "handsome guy" is looking at you. (Sorry dude: this is stupid...)

Right way: *you go to his desk, with a half smile on your face, and say* Do you like it? Your eyes are really beautiful, but it's your mouth which often asks for names and phone numbers... do you know?

_Then you ask to me: But, why!_

_And I ask to you: __**Actually, are you telepathic to guess what he wants just by looking?**_

**Step 3**

_When he look at you like you're mentally retarded..._

Wrong way: Agree with him... So... You're even half idiot...

Right way: Ask him: Has anyone ever told you to fuck you today, big boy?

_Then you ask to me now: But whyyyyy?_

_And I ask to you: __**But who the hell this fucking retarded bipolar think he is to analyze the psyque of someone?**_

**Step 4:**

_When he ignores you completely after save your life…_

Wrong way: To follow him with your eyes everywhere he goes until he talks to you again…

Right way: Fuck him! There's a lot of men more beautiful than him!

_Then you ask to me: WHY!_

_And I ask to you: __**Are you a fucking dog?**_

**Step 5:**

_When he, after ignores you for one or two weeks, simply calls you to leave your friends and sit with him._

Wrong way: To sit with him after all and forget your friends… Even if they still looking at you or waiting your return.

Right way: When he calls you, raise the finger at him with a smile as if to say: not even in your dreams!

_Then you ask to me: But... But… Why!_

_And I ask to you: __**Are you a fucking genius to realize his wishes?**_

**Step 6:**

_When he says: "Get in the car", like you don't have any choice. _

Wrong way: To get in the car, like he told, and say something like _"It was completely unnecessary"_.

Right way: To look into his eyes for a minute and say something like _"No."._

_Then you ask to me: BUT WHY?_

_And I ask to you: __**Is he your fucking sergeant?**_

**Step 7:**

_When he literally demands that you entertain him._

Wrong way: You do a survey in your brain in search of something trivial to entertain him.

Right way: *you take his hand, pointing his fingers and then say* Hey, big boy, you have five of these… Put your hand inside your pants and entertain yourself.

_Then you ask to me: Why, in the name of GOD!_

_And I ask to you: __**Are you a God damn clown?**_

**Step 8:**

_When you say: "I'm not hungry" and then he answer something like "I think you have to eat something"._

Wrong way: To follow him, to enter into a restaurant and eat… Even if you don't want it.

Right way: Smile to him and ask: _"What part of 'I'm not hungry' you don't understand?" _

_Then you ask to me: But… Lord… why?_

_And I ask to you: __**Who the hell controls your own body?**_

**Step 9**:

_When his best program is to put you in the middle of the woods, behind his back, running in a way quite uncomfortable. And he insists, even if you manifest the fact that you really HATE it!_

Wrong way: To listen his orders and do what he wants, even if it leaves you completely sick.

Right way: Hey big boy, I think that you don't understand…. *look at him for a moment and say word by word* I – DON'T – WANT – IT! Can you hear me now?

_Then you ask to me: but… but… but… WHYYYY?_

_And I ask to you: __**When did you lose the right to decide what you don't want?**_

**Step 10:**

_When, in the car, he simply speeds up ignoring the fact that you have to go home, don't say where he's going to take you and ignores any appeal to the contrary._

Wrong way: After insists that you have to go home and listen his arguments against your will, you invent a plain to leave him take you to wherever he wants and better: avoid the police find you and take him…

Right way: *drops the belt and look into his eyes* Hey big boy, you have five seconds to stop this god damn car or I swear I'll fill with punches until you do it!

_Then you ask to me: Why? ¬¬_

_And I ask to you: __**He's what? Your boyfriend or some kind of hijacker?**_


End file.
